laughter, keaton

“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!

Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

Businesses were looted and buildings and cars were set on fire in the CITY OF BALTIMORE last week. Police were so busy three doughnut stores went out of business.

One looter grabbed a couch from a furniture store, took it home, then set his drapes on fire so they wouldn’t clash with the new couch.

Due to the civil unrest the game between the Baltimore Orioles and the Chicago White Sox was played to an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, “You get used to it.”

It reminded Los Angelinos that 23 years ago we had a riot after the RODNEY KING case. During our hostilities, Beverly Hills kept its upscale image. There were signs everywhere — “Valet Looting.”

The courts were so crowded because of the looting, one judge had a sign — “Ten Items Or Less.”

Los Angeles businesses adapted to the riot immediately. Police outside one store heard a loudspeaker say, “Attention K-Mart Looters.”

Being the entertainment capital of the world, Los Angeles lost little time sending the appropriate songs to the top of the charts. Hits like:
“Rocks Around The Clock”
“Breaking In Ain’t Hard To do”
“You Light Up My Store”
and the ever popular
“I Just Called To Say I’m Looting”

In last week’s ABC interview, BRUCE JENNER said, “I’m a woman who is transitioning my body from male to female, and I’m also a conservative Republican.” So it looks like the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat HILLARY.

BRUCE said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare — as soon as he finishes using it.

It turns out, after all these years instead of the KARDASHIANS, we should have been keeping up with BRUCE.

Vermont Senator BERNIE SANDERS declared he’s running for President as a Democrat. Immediately upon making his opening statement HILLARY released position papers on trade, income inequality, national defense and the environment that were identical to those of the liberal Senator. Not to be outdone, SANDERS made HIS announcement wearing a pants suit.

The PRESIDENT had to cut his jokes at the “White House Correspondents Dinner” short. He had to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew.

Congratulations to KATE MIDDLETON and PRINCE WILLIAM. They’re the proud parents of their second child, a baby girl. The QUEEN was so excited she even came out on the balcony at Buckingham Palace, waved to the crowd, told them how happy she was and for old times sake gave the finger to FERGIE.

Experts are predicting the royal baby could pump as much as $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How can we get this kid to move to Detroit?

MAY 5TH we celebrate CINCO DE MAYO. It’s a national holiday in Mexico recognizing the victory in 1852 of Mexican troops over the invading French forces of Napoleon the Third. Saving Mexico from foreign tyranny, enslavement and the dreaded “Escargot Burrito.”

Last week we celebrated “Bring Your Kids to Work Day.” It Sounded like a great idea until we remembered how badly it turned out — when GEORGE H.W. tried it with GEORGE W.

A 91-year-old woman in the U.K. recently got engaged to her 102-year-old boyfriend, which would make them the oldest newlyweds in the world. They are looking forward to spending their honeymoon – getting out of the car.

CANDICE BERGEN of “Murphy Brown” fame, came out with a new memoir, “A Fine Romance.” In it she tells about her famous father, ventriloquist EDGAR BERGEN, and how she grew up with CHARLIE McCARTHY and MORTIMER SNERD, two wooden dummies, as her only playmates. While other kids were getting the Measles and the Mumps, CANDACE suffered from “Dutch Elm Disease.”

As they do every year on the first Saturday of May, we had the running of the 141st KENTUCKY DERBY. My horse was not only a longshot, but to make matters worse, he kept looking around to see if his plow was on straight.

I don’t mind if the horse I bet on doesn’t win, but during the race when he stops off at DENNY’S for a Grand Slam Breakfast, I think that’s taking advantage.

A United Nation study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they’re so happy, Swiss people couldn’t answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.