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“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!

Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to JEB BUSH and DONALD TRUMP. Or as it is referred to as the race between “The Tortoise and the Bad Hair.”

JOHN BOEHNER is quitting as Speaker of the House and congressman KEVIN McCARTHY, who was supposed to get the job now doesn’t want it. It looks like nobody wants it. The Republicans are so desperate, last week they were seen checking out “Angie’s List.”

They’re looking for someone who fits into the “Freedom Caucus” (Tea Party) way of thinking. He must be so conservative he keeps his pants up by wearing both a belt AND suspenders.

He must be so pro-business he wants to privatize Social Security, do away with Medicare and Obamacare and legalize fishing in Sea World.

The new speaker must be so conservative he also wants to go back to “Supply Side” economics. “Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on.”

They are trying to get PAUL RYAN, former Vice Presidential nominee with MITT ROMNEY, to take the position. PAUL said, he’s first got to pray on it. God said, “Leave me out of it. I have my hands full with the Middle East.”

Republicans are saying the economy is not as good as PRESIDENT OBAMA says it is and on Rodeo Drive last week I saw proof. A woman with real breasts, was carrying a fake Gucci bag.

Great news. McDonald’s began serving all-day breakfast nationwide. If this is great news to you my advice is, get a life.

Whole Foods announced it will no longer sell products produced by prison inmates. And I thought everything at Whole Foods is supposed to be “cage-free!”

Turns out, some guy named “Rocco” was making their dairy products. His motto, “My cheese is aged 25-to-life.”

VLADIMIR PUTIN turned 63 this week. It was a lovely party. They lit the birthday candles, he made a wish and blew up the cake.

If you’d like to get VLADIMIR a gift he’s registered at “Bed, Bath And Be-Bombed.”

The movie “The Martian” was the top film of the week and is expected to do particularly well when it opens in China. A movie about Mars is a natural for China. Not only is it the red planet, but it has more oxygen than Beijing.

A woman on a US Airways flight was kicked off the plane when her “Emotional Support Pig” refused to stop squealing. Sounds weird, but the truth is we all have a pig that comforts us. It’s called bacon.

The Vatican has announced that POPE FRANCIS will visit Mexico next year. Now that he’s met all the Catholics in the United States, he wants to see where they’re from.

California Governor JERRY BROWN signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Just in time for the new LAKERS season.

COLUMBUS DAY is Monday October 12th. On this day in 1492 Columbus discovered the new world. Actually it was 1491, but he landed in New Jersey and they hushed it up for a year.

If Queen Isabella knew that she sold her jewels so that an entire country would celebrate with a Giant Mattress Sale, she’d have wet her Royal Knickers.