“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
The Grammys were last Sunday. It’s the one night of the year where fans both young and old gather around their TVs to say, “Who is that?
The show was held at LA’s STAPLES Center and it was the perfect place. Without STAPLES those dresses would never have stayed up.
At the Grammys members of the audience reported smelling a lot of marijuana, which may explain why the award for “Best Song” went to the commercial for “Hot Pockets.”
There were some surprise winners. BRIAN WILLIAMS won a Grammy for “Best Spoken Word” in the fiction category. At least, I think he did. That’s what he told everyone.
Despite the lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings. Although I should note the figures were reported by BRIAN WILLIAMS.
That’s the advantage news anchors have over the rest of us. When BRIAN lies about a story that happened to him 12 years ago sitting at that desk, nobody can see that his “pants are on fire.”
It’s “Fashion Week” in New York city and the clothing business seems to be all about young people. 19 year-olds modeling the clothes. 24 year-olds designing the clothes, and 12 year-old Chinese kids making the clothes.
After the Northeast was hit with a second major snowstorm, meteorologists are predicting even more snow will come. There’s only one thing we can do about it. Kill that damn groundhog.
A woman in Manhattan went into a seafood restaurant, bit into a hunk of fish and got a fish hook in her mouth. I hate when you go into a restaurant and you’re the “catch of the day.”
Toyota is testing a new car that’s slightly smaller than a person. It’s part motorcycle, part electric compact car. One problem. On the highway it could be totaled by a squirrel.
Pot growers in the state of Washington have a problem. Supply there has outstripped demand. The pot surplus is so bad, to clean things up they may have to bring in WILLIE NELSON.
This past weekend was probably the most sexual 2 days of the year. We not only celebrated Valentine’s Day, but the opening of the movie, “Fifty Shades Of Gray.” If you feel you did not live up to expectations because of a lack of erotic knowledge, with my expertise on the subject, I offer some answers to your sexual questions.
–“What is the Rhythm Method?” — That’s when a couple goes to bed with the Oscar Petersen Trio.
–“What is Copulation?” — Copulation is sex between two consenting police officers.
–“What is an orgy?” — An orgy is a social gathering where they serve Doritos, Pringles and Carr’s Water Biscuits – And you’re the dip.
–“What is Auto-eroticism?” — That’s when a man doesn’t want to have sex IN THE BACK of his Honda – He wants to have sex WITH his Honda.
–“Is there an insurance policy against bad sex?” — Yes! A company has just issued a policy that for only $25 a month guarantees both lovers simultaneous moments of ecstasy. Maybe you’ve heard of it, “Mutual Of Orgasm.”
BE MY VALENTINE:
— New York cab drivers rented out the electric billboard on top of their taxis for $50 to people who wanted to send a unique Valentine’s Day message. If you couldn’t afford that, for FIVE bucks the cabbie drove past your loved one’s house with a heart painted on his middle finger.