Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
DONALD TRUMP officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he’s one step closer to moving into the smallest house he’s ever lived in.
TRUMP is now ahead of HILLARY CLINTON in the polls. Good going Republican voters! As STEPHEN KING so aptly put it. “Let’s turn America’s nukes over to a bad-tempered asshole with no knowledge of foreign policy. What could go wrong?”
DONALD tweeted that a HILLARY presidency would be “four more years of stupidity.” As opposed to a TRUMP Presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.
A North Korean official turned down an offer by DONALD TRUMP to visit the country and meet with KIM JONG UN, So I guess TRUMP’S search for a Vice President isn’t going so well.
The National Rifle Association endorsed TRUMP for President. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to keeping people armed. Even if it’s only for shooting their mouth off.
TRUMP is with the wrong party. The GOP is represented by an elephant. TRUMP should be a Democrat. He’s certainly a lot closer to being a jackass.
This week, BERNIE SANDERS campaigned in California just a few miles from Disneyland. Either that, or GRUMPY was on a lunch break.
SANDERS said critics have been calling him “Santa Claus” because of his white hair. Then SANTA said, “Even I don’t promise people THAT much free stuff.”
I’m not saying BERNIE is a senior citizen, but when PRESIDENT OBAMA spoke at the G7 summit in Japan this week and BERNIE heard “G7, he yelled “Bingo!”
TRUMP is holding his first campaign fundraiser, but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. This was their second request. He turned down their first request: “Don’t be our candidate.”
A female judge ruled that BILL COSBY must stand trial. COSBY said to the judge, “Let have a drink and we’ll talk this over.”
The security chief of the TSA has been fired. He’s been told to expect long lines at the unemployment office. Also that, “You should get there three hours early. Take off your belt, your badge, your uniform, your shoes, your keys, bottles over 4 ounces and any coins in your pockets.”
Last Saturday was the running of the 141st PREAKNESS, and it was won by a horse named EXAGGERATOR. He won by promising to, “Make horse racing great again.”
It’s MEMORIAL DAY and once again our eyes are glued on TV to watch the 100th running of the Indy 500 race. The excitement, the shrieks, the gasps. It’s like having speakers outside CHARLIE SHEEN’S bedroom.
And what a grueling drive it is. 500 miles without one Burger King, one Taco Bell, one McDonalds, not even a Stucky’s pecan pie.
The drivers are magnificent, but it’s those fabulous pit crews that really amaze me. I haven’t seen tires come off a car that fast since I was double parked in downtown Detroit.
There will be two female drivers in this year’s race. Some say women have better skills than the men. I disagree. I don’t think a willingness to stop to ask for directions is a great advantage when you’re driving at the Indianapolis speedway.
But more importantly, MEMORIAL DAY is when we honor those who died in battle defending our great country. Let us all remember and thank these brave warriors.