“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
As a Thanksgiving gesture, PRESIDENT OBAMA pardoned two turkeys at the White House. Texas GOV. RICK PERRY said, “If I were Commander-In-Chief I would have deep-fried them.”
After the PRESIDENT pardoned the White House turkeys, not one to miss an opportunity, Republican Senate Leader MITCH McCONNELL jumped right in and said, “This proves it. OBAMA is soft on poultry.”
The First Family celebrated Thanksgiving at Camp David. They had planned to have a big turkey – but VICE PREZ BIDEN was out of town.
The White House sent Turkeys to all the Republicans in Congress. I guess the PRESIDENT figures, if they won’t pass any of his bills, he’ll try a wishbone.
As a last minute reminder, save your empty Thanksgiving dinner turkey carcass. When you see the price of gifts this year, you may decide to re-stuff it for Christmas dinner.
GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE has been incorporating political humor into his speeches ala WILL ROGERS. The Governor has a lot in common with the entertainer. ROGERS “never met a man he didn’t like.” CHRISTIE “never met a meal he didn’t like.”
“Black Friday” has come and gone and the Christmas buying season is off and running. As a public service may we offer a few nifty shopping hints on some new holiday items.
A coffee table book entitled “Everything You Want To Know About One Night Stands.” by BILL COSBY.
A gift for Fido. “A 101 Ways To Lick Yourself Discreetly.”
A fact-filled book for the Senior Citizen in your life. “Is There Sex After Kaopectate?”
From the vineyards of New Jersey, “Champagne In A Drum.”
And for that cleanliness freak on your list, a gift packet of the new Velcro Toilet Tissue called “Cling.”
The East Coast was hit by heavy snow and freezing weather. It was so cold in New York’s Central Park…
A Robin red breast was mistaken for a Blue Bird — And seen eating a thermal worm.
Flashers were handing out 8 by 10 glossies.
The Statue of Liberty was holding her torch UNDER her dress.
It’s so cold in The Bronx, nobody wants to come out. Three women are in their 10th month.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS: HOLLYWOOD STYLE
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
ONE “Frozen” profit point
TWO bottles of “Charles Shaw” Merlot
THREE “Kindle” eBooks
FOUR Gold Rolexes
FIVE maids A-cleaning
SIX William Morris Endeavor Agents A-dealing
SEVEN flacks A-flacking
EIGHT shrinks A-shrinking
NINE accountants A-counting
TEN alimony checks A-bouncing
ELEVEN divorce Lawyers A-pouncing
And a “Partridge Family” residual in a Pear Tree.
THE HEALTH CARE PLAN
President OBAMA’S Affordable Care Act health plan is being criticized because it may not allow patients to choose their own doctors. Here are some telltale signs that you may have ALREADY chosen the wrong physician…
You hear a lot of dogs barking in his examining room.
On his wall is a “Man of the Year” plaque – from Forest lawn Cemetery.
His Medical Diploma is signed by Marcus Welby.
He thinks M.D. stands for “Many Disasters.”
He sells Mrs. Field’s cookies in his waiting room.
And to make sure everyone gets home no matter what, he shares an office with a taxidermist.
Thanks for introducing me to this! I kept hearing symbols and groans in the recesses of my mind..loved it!
You’re very welcome. Is it me, or is my avatar showing up as you in your comment?
It clearly is.But it’s strange.. those eyes follow me..
Oh wait..I stopped turning the phone…
Wait… are you my long lost twin sister who I never heard of until now? SIS!! (Wait, I have a sister named… Steven?)
OMG! You have to be!!!!OMG OMG OMG..
so why did mama keep you and send me away? she told me to get milk and a fifth of jack, I got home and you had left…
uh…you are rich right?? (stfromli/steven – same name different login as..)
I absconded with her money.
If I could show you the sad little faces of the alleged children I have tied up, that will not be able sing in joyful harmony because of what you’ve done…
Oh my.
I know! Right?
How long have you been a stand up?
I haven’t done stand-up in years. I was part of a duo. I got out of TV acting, improv, stage, and stand-up a long time ago, but directed stage for a long time after that as I eased into writing for The Political Carnival. I was co-editor there for years until I moved over to Radio or Not in Sept.