Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
Vice President-elect MIKE PENCE went to see “Hamilton” last weekend and was booed by people in the audience when he entered the theater. And if the crowd wasn’t mad enough already, PENCE waited until a quiet scene to open up a big bag of Skittles.
DONALD TRUMP demanded they apologize and tweeted, “The Theater must always be a safe and special place.” Muslims all over the country shouted, “Two tickets to the theater, please!”
A new report finds that protecting DONALD TRUMP and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a million dollars a day. To which TRUMP said, “Thank God I’m not a taxpayer!”
Happy birthday to LARRY KING. It was his 83rd birthday this week and some of LARRY’S childhood friends threw him a surprise party. We knew it was his childhood friends because there were 40 people at the party and only 5 good kidneys.
And the surprise to everyone was that he’s only 83.
When Larry says, “Well I made it to 83,” he’s not talking about age — wives.
It was also MICKEY MOUSE’S birthday this week. MICKEY made his debut in 1928 and is 88 years old. He’s gone from “It’s a small world” to “It’s an enlarged prostate.”
We had a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner. This year my son made the turkey. Last year I cooked and it was the first time anybody ever said GRACE over GREASE and it was GROSS.
I guess I’m just not a good cook. It’s not proper to use the smoke alarm as a timer, right?
Right after Thanksgiving comes the bargain hunters delight, “Black Friday,” which started early with stores opening on Thanksgiving night. One guy, in a rush to make the perfect deal, was in line still eating a turkey drumstick. He was looking for a 55-inch Samsung TV and a girl with cranberry sauce on her breath.
Shoppers were camped outside for days waiting for the stores to open. The economy must still not be up to par. One guy, who was napping outside was asked, what big bargains he was looking for and he said, “What bargains? I live here.”
Victoria’s Secret opened at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day and stayed open all the way through “Black Friday.” Yes, there’s one thing people love to do. Fill their faces all day with turkey, gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie, then try on lingerie.
“Black Friday” has come and gone and the Christmas buying season is off and running. As a public service may we offer a few nifty shopping hints on some new holiday items.
–A coffee table book entitled “Everything You Want To Know About One Night Stands.” by BILL COSBY.
–A rare 8 by 10 glossy of CARY GRANT picking up grooming tips from WILLIE NELSON.
–A CHRIS CHRISTIE coloring book. It comes complete with a roller and 3 gallons of Kem-tone.
–A gift for your dog. “A 101 Ways To Lick Yourself Discreetly.”
–A fact-filled book for the Senior Citizen in your life titled, “Is There Sex After Kaopectate?”
–and for your New Year’s Eve party. from WalMart’s own vineyards, “Champagne In A Drum.”