Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
Tuesday they held the Indiana primary and, as expected, DONALD TRUMP saw his shadow, which means there are six more months of his bullshit until the election.
The big news was that TED CRUZ ended his presidential campaign. He said he’s looking forward to being able to spend more time with his family. In response, his family said, “Are you sure you want to quit?”
The only other candidate, JOHN KASICH, also pulled out of the running. The reason he waited so long was because he was waiting for DONALD TRUMP to drop out.
After TED CRUZ and JOHN KASICH pulled out of the race, DONALD TRUMP came out with a new campaign slogan. “Well, I guess you’re stuck with me.”
Despite falling behind in delegates, BERNIE SANDERS insists he still has nine states left to go. Unfortunately, five of those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining, and Acceptance.
Now that TRUMP is the presumptive nominee he met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as he calls them, “The Juan percent.”
DONALD TRUMP says that by the 100th day of his presidency the wall on the border of Mexico will be designed, the immigration ban on Muslims will be in place, and he’ll get to work chiseling Roosevelt’s face off Mount Rushmore and replacing it with his own.
If BERNIE SANDERS is elected, he plans on spending the first 100 days figuring out how to work the Lincoln Bedroom DVR.
DONALD TRUMP implied that TED CRUZ’S father had something to do with the KENNEDY assassination. Even worse, TED CRUZ’S father had something to do with TED CRUZ.
A pizzeria in Brooklyn has created an edible pizza box. When CHRIS CHRISTIE heard this he said, “You mean the old ones weren’t?”
Also in Brooklyn, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of “Wednesday.”
On the down side, she started the race in 2009.
This week was National Teacher Appreciation Day. It’s a special day when we Americans show our gratitude to teachers in any form but money.
A new report suggests that CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS may have secretly been Jewish. What tipped historians off was a ship’s log entry where he described his journey to the New World as, “A real schlep.”
Sunday, May 8th, was MOTHER’S DAY. A time to honor mothers all over America. Ah, my Mom! We were very close. No matter how successful I became, every week, wherever I was, I’d send her a package. She’d wash it, iron it and send it right back to me.