“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
After last week’s Primaries DONALD TRUMP is not only ahead in delegates, but he’s also leading in wives.
TRUMP said he’d use waterboarding if it was needed to obtain the information we were looking for. Either that or having prisoners watch reruns of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” Which ever did the job.
The GOOD NEWS is — during the latest Republican debates the bitter, nasty, vicious, vitriolic name calling between candidates seems to be over. The BAD NEWS is — one of these clowns will be nominated to run for president.
HILLARY CLINTON debated BERNIE SANDERS in Miami and what got most people’s attention was the color of BERNIE’S suit. Some people said it looked brown. Some people said it looked blue. Clearly, the suit was brown. In fact that suit was so brown, DONALD TRUMP wants to have it deported.
During the debate HILLARY said that several times a day, she speaks to God. But never for under $100,000.
In a recent poll, it was found that 39 percent say they’re in favor of a ground war against ISIS, 50 percent oppose it and the other 11 percent are still watching the OSCARS.
Former First Lady NANCY REAGAN was celebrated in a stately funeral Friday where her influence on husband PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN was remembered. During his administration,when asked by VICE PRESIDENT BUSH that the PRESIDENT should forget astrology and talk directly to God. PRESIDENT REAGAN said, “Quiet, she’s upstairs sleeping.”
But they did finally give up astrology in making policy decisions and switched to a more scientific method — fortune cookies.
Mourners remembered NANCY’S favorite color and how proud PRESIDENT REAGAN was during a State of the Union speech. There was NANCY and the United States budget both in RED.
Theirs was a true love story. RONNIE even called NANCY, “Mommy.” which was picked up in inner-cities all over the county where she was referred to as “Mother.” Not the same, but close enough.
A new study reveals that men and women living in Utah use twice as many anti-depressants as Californians and three times as many pain-killing pills as New Yorkers. It seems that multiple spouses, no coffee and no booze is a volatile combination.
BARBIE, the doll, turned 57-years-old. The original BARBIE was created in 1959. The first African-American BARBIE came out in 1968. In 1984 BARBIE got married to LARRY KING and the rest is history.
This week to commemorate the patron Saint of Ireland, ST. PATRICK’S DAY is celebrated by Irish people all over the world. Yes, March 17th is “The Wearin’ Of The Green,” and a month later the Internal Revenue Service celebrates the “Sharin’ Of The Green.”
For the occasion STARBUCKS will introduce a new Irish Coffee. It’s not perked, ground or dripped. Like the celebrants it’s “smashed.”
It’s not true that celebrants spend all of St. Patrick’s Day in a bar drinking. They spend at least 6 hours in the street — just lying there.
A TIME TO REMEMBER
This week, March 19th to be exact, will be the 13th anniversary of the beginning of our war in Iraq. Back in 2003 we believed all the misstatements…eh,the misrepresentations… eh,the prevarications… The LIES are what they were — that sent us to war with Iraq. It was going to be a “cake walk.” At the time we even made jokes about what has turned out to be, at a tremendous cost in American lives and treasure, a NO-JOKING adventure. Here are some of our comments during the early days of the war:
Since the war began over 10 thousand planes have bombed Baghdad, causing three billion dollars in improvements.
All K-Marts and Wal-Marts were closed in Baghdad. They were becoming TARGETS.
Baghdad police have announced a large decrease in looting. They attribute this to the people’s pride in their new free society, a changing moral climate and a severe shortage of anything left to loot.
SADDAM has ordered his army to set fire to his oil wells. Baghdad is now divided into two sections – “Smoking” and “Non-Smoking.”
BUSH finally did find those “Weapons Of Mass Destruction.” They were in North Korea.
HOW WRONG WE WERE!