laughing no jokes

“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!

Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

Right after Thanksgiving came the bargain hunters delight, “Black Friday,” which started early with stores opening on Thanksgiving night. One guy, in a rush to make the perfect deal, was in line still holding a turkey drumstick. He was looking for a 55-inch Samsung TV and a girl with cranberry sauce on her breath.

Shoppers were camped outside for days waiting for the stores to open. The economy must still not be up to par. One guy, who was sleeping outside was asked, what big bargains he was looking for and he said, “What bargains? I live here.”

There’s talk if DONALD TRUMP doesn’t win the nomination he will switch parties. May we suggest he go from Republican to “Tupper Wear.”

TRUMP wants less government interference in our lives, except, of course, for abortion, immigration, welfare, TV censorship, and stringing up environmentalists.

Presidential candidate BEN CARSON said that THOMAS JEFFERSON wrote the U.S. Constitution, when actually he wrote the Declaration of Independence. BEN’S campaign advisers said, “close enough.”

CARSON is a neurosurgeon. “I’m sorry, but when operating on the brain, close enough just doesn’t do it.”

The DOCTOR had to make a speech on foreign policy and at least that was right on target. Everything about our policy was foreign to him.

Pharmaceutical makers Pfizer and Allergan announced a $150 billion merger. It’s the largest drug merger since COURTNEY LOVE and KEITH RICHARDS did an album together.

This could be the beginning a “merger madness.” Christian Brothers Brandy may merge with Folgers coffee. I can just hear their theme song, “Onward Christian Folgers.”

Xerox and Wurlitzer could get together to make “reproductive organs.”

And there’s talk that Con Edison was going to merge with Domino’s. But the deal fell through when they couldn’t agree on the name. Somehow “Con-dom” just didn’t make it.

And Grey Poupon mustard could join forces with Docker’s pants – to be called, “Poupon pants.”

Of course, with big mergers come big layoffs. It even happened with the Mafia. Two families merged and they had to layoff 12 judges.

CHARLES MANSON is getting married. That’s funny, I thought he was already serving a life sentence.

If you’re looking to get the happy couple a gift, they’re registered at “Blood-bath and Beyond.”

The wedding will take place during the “Conjugal Visit Weekend” and the happy couple will spend their entire honeymoon visiting each other’s conjugals.