“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
In order to help the American people decide on a President, CNN held a debate this week where five Democrats where able to tell why they should be nominated. When it was over the choice was clear. We should have watched the Dodgers-Mets baseball game.
There they were, five Candidates all trying to tell us how they would correct the economy, create more jobs and fix everything. That’s what I call Mass-debating.
The candidates were standing on the stage with HILLARY in the center and BERNIE SANDERS on her right, making it the first time in history BERNIE’S been to the right of anyone.
According to opinion shapers, HILLARY won the night on substance. If that’s all you need, LANCE ARMSTRONG could walk away with the election tomorrow.
In fact HILLARY was such a triumph and looked so good, BILL forgot himself and hit on her.
BERNIE SANDERS also did well. His important point was to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us tweeting and texting.
Former Governors and Senators LINCOLN CHAFEE, JIM WEBB and MARTIN O’MALLEY were the other three candidates. I don’t want to say they were dull, but moderator ANDERSON COOPER had to caution the audience three times about their spontaneous outbursts of yawning.
Former Virginia Sen. JIM WEBB complained about not having enough time so in order to speed things up ANDERSON had to order the candidates to limit themselves to three empty promises each.
Dull? After the debate WEBB AND CHAFEE shook hands and their hands fell asleep.
CNN kept an extra podium set aside in case Vice President JOE BIDEN decided to announce his candidacy, and now the empty podium is pulling ahead of both CHAFEE and WEBB.
To counter the popularity of the Democratic debate, which had 15 million viewers, DONALD TRUMP was all over TV. He was on Fox, of course. He was on the morning shows, he did some of the late night shows and even his hair was on ANIMAL PLANET.
In an interview discussing guns, Republican candidate DR. BEN CARSON made news by saying the holocaust could have been averted if European Jews had had guns. I’m pretty sure what he meant to say was, “I don’t want to be President.”
Playboy magazine announced it is going to stop publishing nude photos of women, which makes me kind of sad. At my age I’ve been reading Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. To see places I’ll never visit again.
New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the “American Dream.” That’s when you know things are bad – when even the AMERICAN DREAM is made in China.
Congratulations to CHELSEA CLINTON’S daughter, CHARLOTTE on her first birthday. Grandma HILLARY has already taught the little darling her first words: “Iowa” and “New Hampshire.”
We just saw the NEW YORK METS beat our LA DODGERS and move on to the National League Championship. Although I’m a big DODGERS fan, being from New York,I still love the New York baseball fans. They don’t waste words. Everything they had to say about the famous “Utley Slide” they summed up in one finger.
