“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!

Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

TRUMP made some derogatory comments about one of his rivals in the race for the Republican nomination, CARLY FIORINA. DONALD now has a perfect score. He’s publicly attacked more women than he’s been married to.

A new CNN poll shows TRUMP in first place with 32 percent, more than his two closest rivals combined. He’s now towering so high in the polls, his name is on office buildings, hotels, apartment buildings and now even his bar graph looks like one of his luxury condos.
A new fish species called the “blue bastard” was discovered in Australia this week. According to CARLY FIORINA the “orange bastard” continues to lead in the GOP polls.

According to a poll released last week, if the election were held tomorrow DONALD TRUMP would get zero percent of the black and Latino vote. In fact, if it weren’t for JOHN BOEHNER, TRUMP wouldn’t have any support from people of color at all.

Patriots quarterback,TOM BRADY, isn’t sure who he’ll vote for, but he loves DONALD TRUMP. BRADY loves anything that lets out a lot of air.

Former Texas GOV. RICK PERRY is no longer running for the GOP nomination. Like a true anti-contraception advocate — he pulled out.

PERRY suspended his Presidential campaign after spending a weekend in prayer — and realizing he didn’t have one.

HILLARY CLINTON vowed to take military action if Iran moves toward creating nuclear weapons, or if she loses to BERNIE SANDERS.

KIM DAVIS the Kentucky clerk, was held in contempt of court for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses to gay people. KIM says, it violates her religious beliefs. The state of Kentucky says, it’s her job. Gay people say, “What the hell am I doing living in Kentucky?”

Congress is back in session after a five-week summer break. The PRESIDENT was on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard and VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN is traveling the country making speeches. This is the first time in years the government in Washington has been running this smoothly.

This weekend we celebrate the anniversary of the writing of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” When FRANCIS SCOTT KEY first brought it to his agent he was heard to say, “Somehow, Manny, it sounds better if you sing it while you’re standing.”

Also this week in 1974, GERALD FORD pardoned RICHARD NIXON. At the ceremony NIXON made his famous statement, “I am not a crook — But keep your eye on SPIRO.”

The San Fernando Valley was hit with three digit hot weather last week. It was over 105 degrees in Woodland Hills. It was so hot, when a cop, chasing a mugger on Ventura Boulevard yelled “Freeze!” — ten people huddled around the crook just for a few minutes of relief.

The identity of “JACK THE RIPPER” has been revealed. You remember him. He’s the guy who’s mother said, “Jack, how come I never see you go out with the same girl twice?”

Well JACK, who killed five people in London, has been finally identified. After hearing about it, the commissioner of the NFL, ROGER GOODELL, trying to get some satisfaction after the BRADY fiasco, suspended JACK for two games.

The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week concerning the country’s health. He said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone’s surprise, he added, “Even if you’re just going out to have a smoke.”

Sunday evening we began the week long Jewish holiday of ROSH HASHANAH leading to YOM KIPPER. We also had the opening of the National Football League’s season which means; a lot of NFL players will have to start the season without their lawyers.

DONALD TRUMP, coveting the role as the “Anti-immigration Candidate” has just recorded a new CD – “Music To Deport People By.” Here are some of the toe-tapping tunes you’ll be hearing:

“Do You Know The Way To BAN Jose?”

“REMAIN In Spain and Stay MAINLY On the Plain”

“Back Home Again In Indonesia”

“Arriverderci, Rosa”