“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
At a press conference this week, DONALD TRUMP kicked out Spanish language news anchor, JORGE RAMOS. Then a few minutes later the man returned. So already TRUMP’S deportation plan isn’t working.
It’s come out that DONALD TRUMP’S grandfather owned a brothel. When reached for comment TRUMP said, “screwing people for money is a long family tradition.”
There was a time when it seemed unimaginable that JOE BIDEN could be taken seriously enough to make a run for his party’s Presidential nomination. Then along came DONALD TRUMP and just blew that idea right out the window.
RAND PAUL is entered in the Presidential race as a Republican, but because of his views on most topics he’s really more of a Libertarian. You know what a Libertarian is — a Republican who wants to smoke dope and get laid.
The world stock market is still plunging. China’s stock market went down 8 percent and France and Germany’s both went down 5 percent. When asked for comment Greece said, “Tough nuggies on them.”
BILL GATES alone, lost $3.2 billion on the stock market last week. But he’s OK. He was cleaning his sofa and found a couple of billion in loose change under the cushions.
This is a wakeup call as to how volatile the stock market can be. Whatever money I have left I’m putting into U.M.M. That doesn’t stand for “United Money Market.” U.M.M. — “Under My Mattress.”
In Florida, a man proposed to his girlfriend in the produce aisle of a WHOLE FOODS. He got down on one knee and told her, “This ring cost as much as those organic grapes.” If that doesn’t prove he loves her nothing will.
U.S.C. football coach, STEVE SARKISIAN, embarrassed himself and the team at a banquet last Saturday night when he not only slurred his words, but slurred his thinking when he got up to make a speech. Afterward, STEVE said, “I do not have a drinking problem.” Of course he doesn’t. He knows his capacity. Trouble is, he usually passes out before he reaches it.
Scientists have learned that a man’s sex drive is in his genes. Now we know why Levi-Strauss had to use rivets to keep the fly closed.
There was a heat wave in Los Angeles this week. It was so hot reporters were asking DONALD TRUMP to explain his Immigration Policy, just to give them the chills.
Here’s a few helpful hints to get you through the Dog Days.
–Buy a quart of “Haagen Dazs” Rocky Road and carry it home in your shorts.
–Rent a “Side of Beef” costume and hang out in Von’s meat locker.
–Have “Uber” pick you up and tell the driver, “Alaska, and step on it.”
–Ask your boss for a raise, just to feel the breeze of a door being slammed in your face.