“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!

Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

The big news last week was, FIFA President SEPP BLATTER announced he’s resigning as head of soccer’s World Cup and DONALD TRUMP is set to announce whether he will run for President of the U.S. The World Cup is very much like DONALD running for President. They both happen every four years and no one in America cares.

Yes, FIFA President SEPP BLATTER announced his resignation. SEPP BLATTER doesn’t sound like the name of a guy who’s stepping down. It sounds more like the reason why.

RICK PERRY once again threw his ten gallon hat into the ring. Another Republican Governor from Texas running for President. What could go wrong?

RICK will probably be the front runner. They let him run in front. He’s the one with the gun.

SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM also announced he’s running for President. What with GRAHAM, RICK PERRY and TED CRUZ all eyeing the White House, maybe we should stop telling our kids that ANYONE can grow up to be President.

I can’t wait to hear all 10 of these Republican Presidential candidates getting together on one stage to tell their ideas on how to run the country. That’s what I call Mass-debating.

On the Democratic side, Governor of Rhode Island, LINCOLN CHAFEE, is challenging HILLARY for the nomination. GOV. CHAFEE in not well known. He’s a very private man. He’s the only candidate with an unlisted charisma.

During his announcement, CHAFEE said it would help our economy if we embraced the metric system. I’ll start by saying, “I predict, LINCOLN CHAFEE will not get within one KILOMETER of the White House.”

During a speech in Iowa, another Democratic hopeful, BERNIE SANDERS, criticized the billionaire class and said they “Can’t have it all.” Billionaires would have responded, but they were busy buying, selling, eating, drinking, dancing, playing and literally, “Having it all.”

KIM KARDASHIAN announced she and hubby KANYE WEST are expecting their second child. They say they don’t care whether it’s a boy or girl. That’s exactly what KIM’S mother KRIS said when she married BRUCE JENNER.

BRUCE, now CAITLYN’S sexy photo on the cover of Vanity Fair is making it very difficult for teenage boys. They’re taking the magazine into the privacy of their rooms, but don’t know what to do with it.

Yes, KIM KARDASHIAN is pregnant again and she said it’s been a difficult pregnancy. She wakes up in the middle of the night craving publicity.

California is suffering from a terrible drought. But scientists have come up with a plan to convert toilet water into drinking water. My dog is just sitting there grinning.

I can hear my doctor now, “You’ll need to drink at least 8 flushes a day.”

You can get drinking water from toilet water by a rigorous three-step purification process. That’s all it takes, three-steps? I wish they would just lie to us. Tell me the toilet water is filtered 3,000 times.

IKEA pledged over $1 billion to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it’s probably going to take forever to put the money together.

The co-champions of the Scripps National Spelling Bee are VANYA SHIVASHANKAR and GOKUL VENKATACHALAM. They won the competition by spelling each other’s names correctly.