Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
TRUMP went on Twitter last week and said that MSNBC and CNN are unwatchable. Then he said, “And I know, because I spend ALL DAY watching them.”
TRUMP’S Secretary of Labor nominee, ANDY PUZDER, has withdrawn his nomination. Just to be clear, this is not a scandal. PUZDER says he just wants to spend more time with MICHAEL FLYNN.
At a lie-filled press conference last week, where TRUMP accused the media of “fake news.” The PRESIDENT then went on to say his administration is “running like a fine-tuned machine.” To which writer TOM FINNIGAN Facebooked, “Yeah, a LARRY FINE-tuned machine!”
After listening to TRUMP’S news conference, I picture him bragging to a group of his followers, “I am the President of the United States,” and one of them calls out, “Big Deal! I’m Napoleon.”
There were demonstrations to protest the PRESIDENT’S immigration policy. Immigrants were encouraged to skip work for what they called “A day without immigrants.” People were forced to babysit their own children. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER had to impregnate a meter maid.
The Grammys were last Sunday. It’s the one night of the year where fans both young and old gather around their TVs to say, “Who is that?”
At the Grammys, ADELE started a tribute to GEORGE MICHAEL but messed up and so she started over. She was on such a roll that she won the Grammy for “Best Mistake.”
Tuesday was VALENTINE’S DAY and to celebrate, POPE FRANCIS was greeted by thousands of young couples in St. Peter’s Square at the Vatican. He offered advice on what to expect in their new relationship. He said, “Marriage is very similar to my job as POPE. Difficult decisions, big responsibilities — and a lot of sleeping alone.”
Here are some of the White House administration’s Valentine messages that were (what else) tweeted.
>From DR. BEN CARSON, “Loving you isn’t brain surgery.”
>From KELLYANNE CONWAY, “My love for you is as real as my Alternate Love.”
>STEVE BANNON wrote “Will you be mein, eh, I mean mine?”
>From Trump’s sons, ERIC and DONALD JR., “Love is blind, unlike the trust we run for our father.”
>From the First lady, MELANIA TRUMP, “I almost love you enough to leave New York.’
>And finally from PRESIDENT TRUMP, “I’m building a wall around your heart and making you pay for it.”
For the first time felines sidled up at the 141st Westminster, the nation’s premier dog show. It was part of the companion event showcasing various breeds of both species. In this radical move, not only were they judged in looks, but in talent, evening gowns and swimsuits.
The dog show is great to watch, but if you really want to see rolling over and playing dead in Madison Square Garden, go to a Knicks game.
Thieves in London made off with $3 million worth of rare old books. Authorities describe the suspect as someone who wishes, “To be or not to be,” caught.
Over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked, what they were going to do about them, the government said. “We WON’T cross that bridge when we get to it.”
Most stores will be open on PRESIDENT’S DAY. What better way to celebrate the birth of WASHINGTON and LINCOLN, two of our greatest Presidents, than with a Giant Mattress Sale? Yes, “Four score and 7 years ago our forefathers said, ‘We will beat anyone’s price or your mattress is Freeeee!”
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
MAR. 22nd…STEPHEN SONDHEIM, 83, One of Broadway’s most cherished composers and lyricists, who has written such classic musicals as “West Side Story” and “Gypsy.” His most popular song from “A Little Night Music” was “Send in the Clowns” — Which, incidentally, is the theme song of PRESIDENT TRUMP’S administration.
