Woman Covering Her Mouth

“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!

Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

The people of Scotland voted on whether to declare independence. QUEEN ELIZABETH is happy to report, “Scotland will remain part of the United Kingdom.” “Boy, that was a close one,” said the QUEEN, “Great Britain could have been cut off from its major supply of bagpipes and kilts.”

If they had voted “yes,” it would mean Scotland would be responsible for defending itself. VLADIMIR PUTIN was heard saying, “I got dibs!”

The official ballot was one line: “Should Scotland be an independent country? Yes or no!” Now if we could get rid of Texas and Mississippi that easily, that would really be something.

Problems for the NFL continue. Last week Nike suspended RAY RICE’S contract and this week they suspended ADRIAN PETERSON’S contract. All that’s left for Nike to “dump” is OSCAR PISTORIUS and KIM JONG UN.

HILLARY CLINTON gave a speech in Iowa last week and she fueled speculation that she’ll run for President by admitting she’s thinking about it. Personally, I think she’ll run. What she’s “thinking about” is buying a whole new set of pants suits.

The San Fernando Valley was hit with three digit hot weather last week. It was over 105 degrees in Woodland Hills. It was so hot, I saw a lizard doing the ice-bucket challenge.

It was so hot, when a cop, chasing a mugger on Ventura Boulevard yelled “Freeze!” — ten people huddled around the crook just for a few minutes of relief.

This week the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order and the city was filled with people from all over the world who can do whatever they want, break any kind of law. I’m not talking about U.N. delegates — New York City cab drivers.

PRESIDENT OBAMA said it’s time to usher in a new era of responsibility for the United Nations. It’s not clear if he was talking about Middle Eastern countries standing up to ISIS, stronger sanctions against Russia for moving into Ukraine, or getting all the delegates to pay their outstanding parking tickets.

A Michigan funeral home is offering a drive-thru viewing option. Or as they’re calling it, “Jump In The Box.”

Archaeologists discovered cave man skeletons of a couple who have been holding hands for over 700 years. The message written on a nearby cave wall was that of the wife asking the husband, “How come you never DRAG me any place any more?”

Wednesday evening will begin the week long Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah leading to Yom Kipper. It’s also the opening of the National Football League’s season which means a lot of NFL players will have to start the season without their lawyers.