“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.
For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
SARAH PALIN accused TED CRUZ of lying about BEN CARSON and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is what I love about politics. When people lie and cheat to get the Evangelical Christian vote.
After Tuesday’s Iowa Caucus DONALD TRUMP tweeted that TED CRUZ “illegally stole” the election. TRUMP said, “Everyone knows you’re supposed to “illegally BUY” the election.”
TRUMP lost the Iowa Caucus and blamed it on the media, bad weather, and Iowa’s three Muslims.
A member of MARCO RUBIO’S inner circle said his boss benefited from the TRUMP-CRUZ fight because “MARCO is everyone’s second choice.” That explains RUBIO’S new campaign slogan, “I’m the Least Worst.”
So far MIKE HUCKABEE, MARTIN O’MALLEY, RAND PAUL and RICK SANTORUM have all decided to drop out of the race. Which explains JEB BUSH’S new campaign slogan, “I can’t take a hint.”
On the Democratic side, BERNIE SANDERS lost the Iowa Caucus by a mere .03 percent. He would have won if only six more STONED college students had managed to get off the couch.
To get the college student vote BERNIE was even going to change HIS slogan to “I’ve got pizza.”
HILLARY did so well in the debate, BILL forgot himself and hit on her.
Recently released documents show that former New York Governor ELIOT SPITZER donated $50,000 to MARTIN O’MALLEY’S Presidential campaign. It’s not the first time SPITZER spent that much on something that only lasted an hour.
This week was also “Groundhog Day” and PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL “did not” see his shadow, which means, either spring will come early this year or that PHIL is a vampire.
The LAKERS took the opportunity to call “Punxsutawney Phil” and ask him how he got out of HIS hole so easily.
MATTEL announced that the new BARBIES will come in a variety of body sizes including “tall,” “petite,” and “curvy.” However, “Booty-licious Barbie.” just didn’t make the cut.
MATTEL also came out with the new “Divorced Barbie. “It comes with Two Inch High Heel shoes, a Real Estate Agent’s license and a yeast infection.
The Denver Broncos will play the Carolina Panthers at today’s Super Bowl 50. Between the Super Bowl and the car chase on the new “O.J. Simpson” TV movie, this will be a big week for Broncos.
It is estimated that Americans will eat a record 1.3 billion “Chicken wings” during today’s Super Bowl. Turkeys all over the country who made it through Thanksgiving are laughing like hell.
The newest issue of Playboy Magazine does not feature any full-frontal nudity and instead will focus on social media. So I just picked up my final issue of Playboy.
Media mogul SUMNER REDSTONE has stepped down as the chairman of CBS. The 92-year-old REDSTONE said, “I’m finally old enough to start watching CBS.”
I don’t want to say CBS caters to an older audience, but this week you won’t be seeing the “CBS Eye.” It’s having Cataract surgery.
FEBRUARY ALMANAC:
22ND AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION RATIFIED …After four successive Presidential terms for Franklin D. Roosevelt the 22nd Amendment, ratified in 1950, limited the presidential office to two terms and rightly so. If a president can’t fuck up the country in 8 years, he’s not really trying.
